Although many members of the NWRG1 inhabit the less-visible ranges of the journalistic spectrum, we at The 914 stand foursquare with our fellow independent journalists in all of their editorial decisions. The Gazette in Cortlandt has no word-count limit on its OpEds and more than a quarter of the paper is sometimes filled with rambles about the eighth grade history curriculum. The Rivertown Journal North has entered into a shameless advertorial pact with a local pet supply store allowing readers to have their pet’s photo and bio printed in the paper. The Katonah-Lewisboro Times runs cartoons that make Cathy seem trenchant.
These editorial decisions may glaze or roll our eyes but they are so refreshingly picayune that they never dispirit. These are the suburbs and, if ennui and insularity were not leaching into the ink, we might suspect a major media conspiracy.
Still, small does not mean pure. And we continue to keep our transom open to submissions that have been rejected by other publications. When we find them to be revealing, we will anonymize both writer and recipient, and then print them here upon our own pixelated pages.
The following was rejected, we suspect, because of its unusual structure, and perhaps also because it might have risked community strife. We are nevertheless pleased to have rescued it from the deadletter box.
Dear Editor,
I am getting weary of living on this deafening jetway with all these helpless city people. Can you please print this for my fellow subscribers to read and think about?
Do you know how to use a rake? (You know, like the ones your ancestors used as recently as in the 1970s.)
Do you own a property too big for you and your family members to possibly rake yourselves?
If yes, but is it not so much the vast scale of your estate as that you are just far too busy with more important things and you never even have time to watch streaming programs as it is?
If yes, but it actually is the vast scale of your estate, do you go to bed every night basking in your own wonderfulness at having earned (or inherited) so much property in one of the most expensive regions of the world and for your foundational contributions to the tax base?
Do you have children in your household old enough to use a rake?
If yes, do you have them do so?
If no, do you have them do any form of manual labor--for example dishes, shoveling, light dusting or vacuuming?
If no, Do you think that by employing domestic servants you are imparting a good life lesson to your offspring, preparing them for life in the modern gig economy?
Do you enjoy employing people less wealthy than you to do work you don't like to do yourself?
If yes, do you justify this by saying that you're helping a small business and/or keeping people employed ?
If yes, do you practice diversity mandates--is the crew you employ varied and reflective of our wider society in terms of gender, age, ethnicity, etc.?
Do you care at all about interrupting your neighbors' mornings, afternoons, or evenings with the noise of multiple 90+ decibel turbine engines?
If yes, do you justify by saying either they do it, too, or by pointing out that they benefit from how good-looking your property is after it's been cleaned to living-room specifications?
If yes, do you consider yourself to be a self-confident person who has achieved full social and emotional maturity?
Do any of the following statements seem legitimate to you?
A 2-stroke leaf blower generates as many hydrocarbons in one hour as driving a modern gasoline-powered car (not a hybrid, not a Tesla) 1,100 miles.
Leaf blowers kick all kinds of bad stuff into the air for us to breathe including pollen, powdered animal feces, fertilizer, and lawn chemicals.
280 mph blasts of air are known to erode topsoil and damage the roots of plants.
1-in-4 adult Americans has noise-induced hearing loss, which occurs when the human ear is exposed to sounds greater than 85 decibels.
Gas-powered leaf-blowers typically put out more than 99 decibels and can cause permanent hearing loss in operators after just 19 minutes of unprotected exposure.
Some people consider it tacky to have a yard that looks like the median strip at a business park.
If no, do you find yourself saying "fake news" more than twice a week and/or do you spend more than three hours a day on social media?
Inquisitively yours,
X
______-on-Hudson
If you know of any rejected OpEds, restaurant reviews, obituaries, pieces of local sports coverage, cartoons, etc., please send them along to 914editor@gmail.com. We cannot guarantee publication but we can assure you every resubmission will receive unglazed eyes.